Disconnected

By Kuneary Mao

I am a Cambodian woman who was born and raised in America. I barely know anything about Cambodia aside from information that my family chose to share with me. I can speak Khmer but it is not fluent and it is broken. I understand what people say to me and I hope they can somewhat understand me as well.

My family came to America after the Khmer Rouge. After moving from place to place, they ended up in Massachusetts. Lowell is very multicultural and there are many Cambodians who live here. I have never traveled to Cambodia but I get a sense how people behave from the people I meet at stores and events such as New Year celebration at the temple or the water festival. My mother cooks Cambodian food at home and you can always eat other dishes at restaurants such as rice noodles, rice porridge and much more. There are desserts that I have never heard about until I saw them at markets and food shops. It makes me wonder about all the food that I will never be able to try unless I visit Cambodia.

Growing up, my father and especially the elders of my family, always forced to me to try and speak to them in Khmer. I did not mind but because they gave me the option to speak in English too, I ended up speaking in just English to them. It also felt very awkward because I was shy and I would often mess up. I tried my best for anyone who could not speak English in my family.

Since I am unable to speak Khmer clearly and I have no idea how to read and write it, I decided to take Khmer class. I want to be able to understand my family more thoroughly and when I meet strangers at events, I want to be able to speak to them in Khmer, so they won’t have to force themselves to speak in a language that they might be uncomfortable with (English). As of right now, I feel like I learned the language from watching dubbed dramas. I picked up words that you might not hear people use in modern times and words that might only be available in books. Speaking in Khmer with my parents and grandparents also helped because as I’m using the language more and more, I won’t forget it.

I feel disconnected from my own culture because I am so focused on other things, I did not have Cambodia on my mind. There are people of many ethnicities and cultures in Lowell so I wonder what it is like to be in a place where everyone has similar skin color, are speaking on language, and have similar facial features as you. What is it like going to school there and what kind of jobs do people have? How do houses look there and what do people do for fun? I find myself wondering about these things more and more lately. Perhaps someday I will visit and it will be a meaningful experience for me.