The Meaning of Cambodia to Me

By Ruthenee Nhem

            As a young girl, I was always interested in learning how to speak the Cambodian language.  However, I lived in the part of Massachusetts where there weren’t many Khmer people, which convinced my parents that I did not need to learn how to speak Khmer so fluently.  So they didn’t force my siblings and me to learn how to speak Khmer. 

There was a small part of our childhood where my father did try to teach us; he showed us a documentary about Angkor Watt and everything about Cambodia.  He never taught us how to read and write Khmer, just taught us the culture. 

I remember one time, while driving to Philadelphia for Cambodian New Year, I wanted to try to speak Khmer.  I thought about what I constantly heard from my parents when they spoke Khmer, and so I tried.  I can recall my mother saying that she wanted us to be speaking Khmer more often, but unfortunately things changed within the next few years.

Eventually my parents got divorced, which lowered our chances of learning Khmer even more.  My mother did not know how to teach me how to write Khmer because it was too complicated to teach (in her opinion), and I did not live with my father so he did not have many opportunities to teach me as much as I wanted him to.  I had asked my uncle, but he told me the same thing my mother told me.  So here I am in college, trying to learn how to read and write Khmer, struggling but never giving up. 

I had been to Cambodia a few years ago, with my uncle and his family.  While I was able to get a sense of everything there, such as the showers, the toilets, Angkor Watt, the markets, etc., I wasn’t able to explore Cambodia and get to be on my own.  I could understand mostly what everyone was saying, but I was too afraid of speaking Khmer to them because I did not want them to judge me or tell me that my Khmer was bad. 

When I was in Cambodia, I loved it there.  Everything was not what I expected.  I went to the mall, I went to the marketplace where they sold food and clothes.  My aunt had bought me a few shirts and I had bought a few beautiful scarves.  I love how different it is compared to the United States.  I think the toilets are the most different, though it is easy to adjust to.  In the future, I plan to learn how to speak, read, and write Khmer fluently so I can return on my own back to Cambodia to help the children, to give back, and to just travel some more around.  I know it will take some time, but I also know that I can do it and I will.

Every year, I go to Philadelphia for Cambodian New Year, to see my mom’s side of the family.  In Philadelphia, there are many Khmer folks who keep the Cambodian culture close.  There are two temples that my mother and I go to.  I always love wearing the Cambodian attire and participating in the rituals, especially the ones in particular when we give rice and money to the monks and the one when we wash off the statues and the monks in the end.  It’s the feeling that I get when I finish these with my mom.  My favorite part about Cambodian New Year is receiving the blessed yarn.  I always feel safe and lucky when I see this red yarn around my wrist.  It’s always exciting to get a new one every year, sometimes two. 

I love Cambodia and I always will.  There is nothing that will make me hate my own country.  It is a shame that I cannot speak Khmer very well, but I refuse to sit and do nothing about it.  I want to go back to my country and help.  I want to be able to speak Khmer and read it.  I plan on making my plans come true.