Struggles With Khmer

By Angelina Peou

 

Learning to speak Khmer was my biggest goal ever. I wanted to learn how to speak it because I wanted to help my mom with translation with English and Khmer, due to her not understanding English at all. As a kid, I have always thought speaking Khmer was stressful and hard because how can you even remember everything? I always wondered if I would forget everything I learned if I tried learning a new language.  How was I supposed to learn it if no one had the time to teach me? Being a Cambodian girl who was born in Lowell with many Khmer immigrants and who does not know how to speak it made me feel like I was a disappointment because I could not speak Khmer when half of my life my mom and dad would speak to me in Khmer.  Living with a mom who had broken English and had trouble understanding and learning how to speak English was stressful and annoying because I was not able to understand not even one bit. My mom still tried her hardest to help me understand even when she knew that I grew up learning English and not Khmer, since I was put in schools that did not teach Khmer and literally everyone spoke English. Growing up I was able to speak a little bit of Khmer to my mom but after my dad passed away my mom just barely spoke Khmer to me. She instead talked to me in English and Khmer at the same time which made it harder for me to learn because I do wanna speak in the language my mom speaks in, my goal was to not only focus on my school but also try to understand and learn more about Khmer culture and tradition. 

 

During elementary and middle school, I did not focus on trying to learn or at least try to study how to speak Khmer, even when I was best friends with someone who was fluent in Khmer and sometimes helped me, I just ignored the fact that I probably do not need to learn how to speak it because I claimed that “learning a new language was gonna be too hard and I wouldn’t be able to remember everything.” As I was in middle school I started to focus more on my culture and try to understand like when I was in 8h grade I did the ‘Khmer New Years Dance’ for the very first time which was an amazing experience for me as it grew me closer to who I am and my culture. I wanted to know more about the culture and tell my mom about it because I felt distant from my culture like I was not part of it since I knew so little at the time. I was so interested and impressed with the outfits and the language that it made me ask my mom more about it to the point I begged my younger sister to do the Khmer New Year's Dance. Ever since that day I became so invested in wanting to know more about my own culture I even made a goal to myself that once I am in Lowell High School my goal was to finally learn more about where I came from. I had never been so interested in learning another language before and it made me proud of myself and my family proud as well.

 

As I gotten older and learned more about my own culture, like going to the temple more with my family, watching and helping my family cook Khmer food like បបរ, ឡុកឡាក់ and បង្អែមចេក, I became so confident on myself because I was able to understand more about my culture that I was so distant with in the past, despite me being born in Lowell Massachusetts and not knowing how to speak Khmer but only knew how to listen and understand it which I didn’t want that anymore, I wanted to learn how to speak it. I was not fluent in Khmer, but I knew some words such as: សួស្តី, អរគុណច្រើន, អត់អី​ទេ, ​អរគុណ​ហើយ, and លាងចាន. I did not know how to say a full sentence in Khmer, but I could understand what people around me (in Khmer) were talking about. Me not knowing a full sentence I still tried my best to at least try even when I knew very well that me trying to speak in Khmer was nonsense but however, I knew that everyone is not perfect and i know that no one isn’t gonna get everything right so i continued to try my best and keep pursuing my goal. I always thought that learning Khmer was gonna be a whole struggle for me because I don't have the accent nor I don't know how to roll my R’s for example, trying to say words like ចម្រៀង, and អាហារសម្រន់. It made me sound like I am speaking in a different language because it does not even make any sense. 

 

When I went to high school and had Khmer Class it made me a bit excited and nervous because I was scared that my Khmer teacher would make fun of me or think I am weird because I could not be able to pronounce and speak fluently but instead, he was understanding, and he tried to help us learn the Khmer vowels and consonants. The more I learned about Khmer, the more I felt more connected with my culture and where I originally came from because I used to just be carefree and sort of ignorant. I did not want to have anything to do with learning new things, I just liked to stick with what I already knew, which was English. I was so used to speaking English with everything; however, I was still able to understand but I did not know how to speak it. I want to really become fluent in Khmer but I lose so much motivation to study because it is too much for me and I do not know how I am gonna be able to remember them, it looks difficult and the letters are so different and a bit difficult than the English alphabets, sometimes I wonder if I am really gonna be able to speak and write fluently in Khmer. Honestly, I feel like writing in a different language is harder than speaking because there could be a chance you can make mistakes and I feel like writing in another language takes way longer than speaking, I really do not know how to explain it but I feel like it is way easier for me to speak another language than to write it. 

 

My goal was to speak and write in Khmer so I can be able to translate things to my mom since she cannot be able to speak things in English, she is able to speak a little bit of English but since she has broken English, and now that I am taking Khmer classes in high school it makes me happy knowing that I am gonna learn so much not only the language but also the culture. Not only it makes me happy but others around me because I was able to learn so much, something I never knew until now. I was ignorant to learn about my culture and my own language because I was worried and embarrassed that I was gonna get made fun of for not knowing how to speak or know that much about my own culture, I would hear my friends talking to their parents in Khmer, I didn’t care or mind at first because I never thought too much about it but as I got older that’s when I started to realize that I need to learn more about my own culture. 

 

As time went by trying to study and learn a lot about the Khmer language, I started to use it and tried my best to take things slow and talk to my parents in Khmer. They were not perfect, but they were still proud and happy that I was still trying my best. I learned so much from taking Mr. Kho’s class, despite it being either difficult or stressful, his class helped me so much and I am grateful to have him as my Khmer teacher because without him I would not be able to know so much such as: sentences, consonants, vowels, and the culture. I learned how to type in Khmer but however, I am still learning but I still did pretty good such as ថ្ងែនេះខ្ញុំរៀនសរសេរភាសាខ្មែរ។ and ខ្ញុំឈ្មោះលីណា. Today I am still learning, and I hope that before I finish high school, I can become fluent in Khmer and good at writing and reading in Khmer. Even though Khmer class was a struggle for me I am still grateful that my Khmer teacher was able to teach us and help us learn so much about Khmer culture. I am very thankful to have Mr. Kho as my teacher because without him I would not be able to know so much about Khmer culture, អរគុណច្រើនលោកគ្រូ!